Is it the man’s job to get her off? Or is it the woman’s job to reach climax?
Should both the man and woman work in tandem? Who OUGHT to be responsible for the female orgasm?
Today, it’s generally considered to be the man’s job to get his woman off. Men have to first seduce her, then provide her with pleasure (usually by stimulating the clitoris), then give her an explosive orgasm, and then, I don’t know, provide a nice post-coital cuddle and make super fluffy breakfast pancakes.
Get crackin, boys!
In our popular narrative around sexual activity, a LOT of responsibility falls on the man, but I think that’s unfair.
I think men have enough going on. Men already have to control their own arousal, they’ve got to set the scene, and they to be caring and attentive lovers.
But we seem perfectly content as a society with the fact that many women don’t even know how to achieve female orgasm. So John is responsible for giving Jane an orgasm… when Jane doesn’t even know how to make herself come? I’m calling shenanigans on that one.
Women should explore their own bodies to learn what gets their rocks off. Otherwise, it’ll be hard for a man to help her out with that.
Mysteries of the Female Orgasm?
Man’s job? Probably not.
Women’s bodies take longer to get aroused and reach orgasm than a man’s body. Many women also find it difficult to reach climax through vaginal penetration and intercourse alone. Unless she’s receiving clitoral stimulation, she might not be able to reach orgasm at all!
All of these things are fundamental truths.
If you feel like your sex life could be better, don’t hesitate to drop me a line. Whether you’re struggling with reaching orgasm, experiencing performance anxiety, or struggling with premature ejaculation, I can help you achieve a better sex life.
How to Make A Woman Orgasm
Is it SOLELY a man’s job to make her come? I think not. But regardless, I’m going to give you a step-by-step guide to help ensure that she reaches orgasm every single time. Here’s what you need:
Has she ever had an orgasm before? You need to ask. How does she usually achieve it? During vaginal penetration, during oral sex, on her own with a vibrator or sex toys, never with a partner, always with a partner?
You gotta ASK or else you’ll just be making assumptions.
And we both know that assumptions lead to crappy sex. You need to ask and familiarize yourself, and she needs to be honest, or else you’ll be working with unknown material.
If she has never come before, it’s your job to work with her to make sure that she has a climax before you attempt to give her one through vaginal penetration. Because vaginal penetration orgasms are RARE. They’re like, the holy grail of intercourse.
Find these things out before you get in bed so you can best help her out.
Be patient. Make foreplay last a long time.
A woman’s body takes 20 to 40 minutes to get aroused enough to allow her genitals to be penetrated. If you are penetrating her before the 20-minute mark (I’m talking about 20 minutes of touching, hugging, kissing, touching, heavy petting, making out, oral sex, sucking, licking, going through the motion of the ocean etc) it might cause sex to be painful to her, it might damage the inside of her vagina, and it will get you NO WHERE if you’re trying to help her orgasm.
Understand the female anatomy.
The clit and the g-spot are what most women need stimulated in order to reach climax.
Fun Fact: the clitoris and the g-spot are essentially different parts of the same network of nerve cells, pleasure centers, and erectile tissue in the vagina. A lot of women need stimulation on one or both of these areas in order to reach climax. Familiarize yourself with both of these.
Second, figure out the best way to stimulate the clitoris and the g-spot. Your fingers can be the best way to get to the clit, but the g-spot is a bit trickier. Nonetheless, you can reach the g-spot with your fingers, with a toy, or with certain positions such as doggie style.
Women need to feel safe.
Women need to be able to relax enough to achieve orgasm. Little things like having someone in the room next door, or knowing that she’s potentially going to get pregnant or an STI, can make her feel unsafe enough to prevent orgasm. You can mitigate this, and help her relax, by planning for these anxieties!
Set a calming environment, plan birth control, wear a condom… all these things can make it more likely for her to let loose and orgasm.
Women Need Novelty In Bed.
If you’re in a long-term relationship and you want her to orgasm every time you have sex, she needs you to switch it up. Research shows that women actually need MORE novelty than men to reach orgasm. Women need new experiences and new sensations. Their brains turn off when they’re presented with the same sexual situation over and over and over again.
Keep in mind: what is novel to you might not be what is novel to her. She might not want a finger in her butt. Instead, she might want dirty talk, or making out a different way, or for you to go down on her, or having sex in the kitchen instead of in the bedroom.
Novelty looks different for everyone. But if novelty isn’t there, the chance of her reaching orgasm is going to be slim.
Don’t be afraid to play with toys!
Toys are not there to hurt your pride. They’re not there because you’re a bad lover, and they’re not there because you failed. They’re there to make her orgasm easier.
You can be a great lover by being on board with that and helping to make her orgasm as easy to come by as possible! (No pun intended.)
Vibrators, g-spot stimulators, butt plugs, feather ticklers, whips, paddles, dildos – don’t be afraid to bring them into the bedroom and enjoy them, thus allowing her a higher chance of reaching orgasm.
TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF OF REACHING ORGASM.
This may seem counterintuitive, but it’s the most important thing.
Too many men treat women like trick ponies that just need to be arranged in a certain way for her to magically reach orgasm. And then the orgasm becomes the FOCUS of sex itself.
You set her up to feel like a failure, you set yourself up to feel like a failure, neither of you end up feeling like good lovers, she feels like she’s not satisfying you, and no one is getting pleasure in the end…. because orgasms cannot be the sole focus of sex.
Orgasm is not the sole purpose of sex. When you treat it like it is, you create undue pressure and make it harder for her to reach orgasm.
You might ask, “Well Caitlin, then what IS the purpose of sex?” The purpose of sex is pleasure. Maybe she doesn’t care as much about orgasm as you do. But that doesn’t mean that reaching orgasm isn’t a noble goal!
Of course we want her to reach orgasm! I PERSONALLY want her to reach orgasm! ORGASMS ARE AWESOME!
But if you put too much pressure on them, they can become elusive and strangely dissipate. We can get really close to them and then they’re gone.
Help Her Reach Orgasm By Lasting Longer in Bed & Building Sexual Confidence.
Nowhere in this entire blog article did I say that her orgasm is YOUR responsibility.
This is a joint venture, baby!
If she hasn’t reached orgasm on her own, encourage her to masturbate before the two of you have sex. Encourage her to figure out what gets her off… so you can work together to get her there. There’s one surefire way to help her get there: by ensuring that you last long enough in bed and by avoiding premature ejaculation so you don’t have to ever see that look of frustration on her face ever again.
That’s why I created the Come When You Want Masterclass: the step-by-step video guide that lays out EXACTLY what you need to gain control over your ejaculation. Looking for personalized, one-on-one guidance? Click here to apply to work with me, because a good sex life is worth investing in yourself.