Bisexuals: Those who are romantically interested in both men and women.
Now, when you first got together with your partner, you probably assumed they were into ONLY your gender. And now they’re coming out as bisexual.
When your partner comes out as bisexual, it can be challenging to navigate.
You may feel shocked and confused. You may feel threatened and insecure by the new information. You might wonder if a healthy relationship can even work between the two of you.
And these feelings are all valid.
But today, I want to talk about what to do if the person you’re committed to romantically, or even just the person you’re having sex with, comes out to you as bisexual. Keep reading as I go over the 4 do’s and don’ts for what to do if your partner comes out as bisexual.
First, a Personal Story: I am Bisexual!
I came out as bisexual to my dad at 14, and I’ve been coming out in all my romantic relationships ever since. So I’m a bit of an expert in this situation.
And as a sex and relationship coach, what I’ve learned over the years is that the key to navigating this type of new, uncharted territory is finding a balance between validating your feelings and holding space for your partner’s experience.
So how do you strike that balance?
Here are some things to keep in mind.
1. Know that it’s not about you
I get it…
Hearing that the person you’re with is attracted to another gender can be a big pill to swallow.
You might feel shocked. You might feel upset by the fact that maybe you can’t satisfy all their desires. This may lead you to worry about what this means for the future of your relationship.
These kinds of thoughts are perfectly natural.
But it’s REALLY important to remember that this is about their personal experience.
The fact that they’re bisexual doesn’t change the love or interest they have in you. It just means that there’s a new part of them being brought into your dynamic.
So as a reminder, it’s not about you.
The truth is you can’t jump to conclusions about what your partner’s bisexuality means for your relationship or sex life.
At this point, your only job is to listen and to be present with yourself and your partner as they share this personal, vulnerable information with you.
Coming out can be challenging, and chances are this isn’t a walk in the park for them either.
Give your partner the time and space to tell you how they’re feeling and how they’re hoping to move forward.
At this point, you still have no idea how your partner’s bisexuality will affect your relationship. So it’s essential not to jump to any conclusions and focus on being there for your partner without abandoning yourself and your authentic reaction in the process. Take things SLOWLY, don’t forget to take care of yourself, breathe, keep your feet on the ground; things will unfold in time.
Thank them for sharing it with you. It was a brave thing to do.
2. Ask questions
If your partner comes out as bisexual, you’re probably going to have a lot of questions.
Because even though their identity isn’t ABOUT you… it does affect you.
Some questions you might ask include:
- Is bisexuality something they feel the need to explore physically?
- Does this mean they want to start seeing other people?
- Are they just revealing this part of their identity but are happy to stay in a monogamous relationship with you?
If your partner is curious about exploring with a different gender from you, have a conversation about if that’s something you might be able to do together or what it might look like if they wanted to do it on their own.
There isn’t a right or a wrong way to navigate these waters, as long as you’re both approaching it with love, understanding and compassion toward each other.
And, of course, if you’re monogamous, this might mean opening your relationship up to include other people. If that’s the case, there are tons of great resources out there. You can start with this article about knowing how to tell whether non-monogamy is for you.
3. Take time to process this new information.
If your partner comes out to you, you’re going to have a lot of questions. You’re not going to know what do or exactly how you feel about it. Know that this is all totally normal.
Don’t expect to have it all figured out right away.
The truth is, it’s a series of conversations, and you probably won’t get to the bottom of things in one go.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s reasonable to tell them that you need some time to think. It’s okay if you need some time to collect your thoughts.
This is where it’s so essential to validate and sit with YOUR feelings.
If your partner has told you that they’re bisexual and that they want to explore this physically with other people? You have every right not to be okay with that.
Every relationship requires compromise. But you need to know where you draw the line.
You have to figure out where your comfort zone ends and where your boundaries begin.
If your partner wants to open things up so they can explore, but that’s not something you’re comfortable with? That’s valid.
Both you and your partner have to find a way to live the best, most authentic versions of your lives. Can you make some adjustments and do this together? If so, that’s amazing!
If their new discovery means you have to part ways? That’s okay too.
Either way, it’s important to know what you are and aren’t comfortable with. And learn when it’s time to face your fears and grow within your partnership too.
4. See this as an opportunity to explore
So, your partner is opening themselves up to a new side of their sexuality…
They’re bringing a new layer into the dynamic of your relationship.
You can take this as an opportunity to do the same!
Use your partner’s bravery to look within as inspiration for you to follow suit!
Maybe you have never really thought about what might be missing from your sex life… until now.
Whether it’s exploring different genders, people, or preferences, the door has been opened to communicate the changes you might want to make in your relationship.
Maybe you want to play around with dominance and submission?
Maybe you want to incorporate toys into your sexual repertoire or lick a pound of whipped cream off of each other’s bodies.
The sky is the limit.
Your partner has led the way with vulnerable, honest communication, and you can take the chance to really reflect on what you want out of your sex life.
Often, we see changes as scary. They can shake the foundation of the connections we build.
But the cool thing is, sometimes, when you’re forced to examine the foundation of your relationship, you have the chance to strengthen and change it to what works for you in this current moment.
The road to your best, most authentic sexual self isn’t always easy, but every challenge is worth it. And I hope that these suggestions help you navigate your new reality toward a more substantial, more profound relationship with your partner.
And it is my pleasure and honor to be here every step of the way with my course, High Performance Male. If you’re navigating some newness in your current relationships or want to become the strongest, most confident version of yourself, this course can help you navigate even the toughest relationship challenges.