What to do if You Can’t Get Hard

You’re in a hot, sizzlin’ moment with a woman, she took the time to put on sexy undies… she’s moving her body just right… she looks AMAZING… you are so ready to get it on…

And then…

You can’t get hard.

Men, this is not the time to panic. It happens all the time (to literally 75% of men!) which is why I’m going to tell you the FOUR steps to take if you’re getting it on with a woman… and you can’t achieve an erection. 

First of all, a lot of guys let the fact that they can’t get hard ruin their night. In fact, some guys get so in their head about this, that they forget there’s a real live woman in front of them who might not care as much that you can’t get it up.

Listen — as a woman speaking from experience, if you cannot achieve an erection, that is okay. There is no reason to panic. In fact, panicking only makes it worse, and I’ll explain why in just a second.

Erections actually start in the brain, which is why it’s important to not become a victim of frustration. Take a few deep breaths, calm down, and you might actually be able to achieve an erection because erections don’t start in your dick. They start in your brain

Chances are, the woman you’re with doesn’t even feel the way you do about not being able to achieve an erection. There are MILLIONS of ways to enjoy sex that doesn’t have to involve a hard penis. (Think: toys, fingers, butts, mouths, the possibilities are endless!)

What if You Want to Give Her “The Real Thing”?

what to do if you can't get hard

Don’t get me wrong — women LOVE “the real thing” (by which I mean your penis.) And there are ways to ensure you overcome erectile dysfunction for good. But when you’re in the moment, thinking she needs your penis is the main barrier to moving through this situation.

In fact, there’s something WAY more important than “giving her the D.”

And that is how you handle not being able to get an erection: whether you handle this with masculinity and confidence and grace… or by shutting down and panicking.

Because the way you handle this will go a LONG WAY when it comes to making a good impression in bed… whether it’s your first or one hundredth and first time with this woman. 

AND the way you handle this will EVEN dictate how quickly you’re able to achieve your next erection. 

4 steps you should take if you find yourself unable to achieve an erection when you’re with a woman.

4 steps to take if you can't get an erection

It’s all in how you handle yourself, so follow these steps to recover the sexual encounter.

1. Don’t panic

Panicking just makes it worse.

Panicking makes it worse on two levels:

  1. It stresses you out. You go into “victim mode” or “fear mode” or “anxiety mode”.
  2. It makes it LESS likely that you’ll get hard. Your nervous system goes into “fight or flight” mode, which sends all your energy and blood flow away from your penis.

All you have to do is just acknowledge what’s going on. It sounds really simple because it is. All you have to do is acknowledge that you’re having a hard time getting up and don’t let it ruin your night together

In fact, getting all worked up over this will also spread the fear and anxiety into the sexual encounter you’re having. And no woman wants to find herself in bed with a man who is in a fear spiral.

So take a deep breath and calmly communicate what’s happening. Which leads me to my next point.

2. What NOT to say…

Don’t say “Oh, this always happens” or “This never happens!”

If you say “This always happens!” you’ll sound defeatist, whiny, and like a victim. Now, the woman will feel like she has to take care of you, because you’re so down on yourself.

(Also it doesn’t always happen! If you go home and start looking at your favorite porn star, you’ll probably get hard, so don’t go saying it ALWAYS happens.)

And definitely don’t say “This never happens!” because you’ll make it sound like there’s something wrong with HER. This statement will make her think that you’re not attracted to her, that you regret taking her home, or that you think she looks like a saber-toothed ogre.

3. Reassure her this has nothing to do with her

So many women start panicking themselves! They think, “oh my gosh, he doesn’t find me attractive.”

This is when you can come in and reassure her that this has nothing to do with her.

Reassure her that she is beautiful, that she is super hot, that you would love nothing more to make love to her — nay — RAVISH her–  right now.

Deliver this authentically without a hint of apology, so she can let her guard down and feel sexy and safe with you.

4. Don’t try to read her mind

You’re not a mind reader.

How she responds to you not being able to get hard is not your responsibility. It’s not your job to get into her head and understand what’s going on in her brain.

All you can do is communicate — reassure her. Make lemonade out of these lemons! Tell her you’re actually really great at oral sex, and that you’d like to show her!

Which leads me to my first bonus tip!

Bonus Tip 1: Recognize that sex isn’t over.

what to do if you can't get an erection (man pleasuring a woman)

Show off your oral skills, pull out a sex toy like a dildo or vibrator, or finger her! Look out for her pleasure!

And if you’re not 100% confident about your skills with your hands, fingers, or mouth, then check out my course She Comes Too: The Female Pleasure Masterclass. It covers everything from seduction to foreplay to actual intercourse (how to make sure you’re hitting the right angels and the positions that really work to get women deep, cervical orgasms.) So if you have any questions about your ability to slay in bed, check it out.

Bonus Tip 2: You can still probably get hard.

Unless you have an actual physical condition that prevents you from getting hard — if you can get hard in the morning when you wake up, and if you can get hard when you’re masturbating, than guess what?

It’s a mental thing — your brain — preventing you from getting hard with a woman. Which is good news.

Why? Because the mind is easier to change than the body.

So, stick with it. Be patient. Take a quick break: maybe a hot bath together, some deep breathing… just 10 or 15 minutes could be all you need to re-center, and achieve a gloriously hard erection when you try again.

Because the secret to erections? They show up when you’re relaxed.

Know that Erections Don’t Always Come Easily.

We’ve all been told that erections happen EASILY and that they happen NATURALLY as a result of a man being attracted to someone… and that just being interested in someone can cause an erection to happen out of thin air!

Look — if this was true, I wouldn’t have a career as a sex coach.

Erections are not always easy and natural things that happen without any effort, work, or attention. Erections are not an indication of how interested you are. So, don’t blow this out of proportion.

What if you followed all these steps and you still can’t get it up?

It IS possible to gain ejaculatory control and last as long as you need to in order to in order to please a woman. So if you keep struggling with erectile dysfunction, don’t give up! Join my course Come When You Want so you can learn all of the mindset techniques, all the physical techniques, and all the exercises to help you overcome erectile dysfunction.

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