What she REALLY means when she says she wants “connection”

Today, we decode the language of women. 

What do they mean when they say they want to “feel connected?” 

As a sexuality and relationship coach, one of the many pleasures of my job is helping lovers cross the communication divide. 

In this case, I’m helping decode what the heck it means when a woman says she wants “connection.” 

I’ve said it myself, “I just don’t want to have sex until I feel connected.” 

Or, “It’s a real turnoff for me when I feel disconnected.” 

Or “Babe, could you just come over here and connect with me for a minute?” 

I see the frustration and the confusion in men’s eyes, my partner included, when we say those things. 

Because for men, they’re probably always feeling about the same level of connection to their female partners.

Men typically have the response, “What do you mean you’re disconnected? We’ve been watching TV together all day. We haven’t had a fight in weeks. If I fell out of love with you, I would tell you, so obviously I still love you. Why do you keep asking?” 

What does she mean when she says she wants “connection”? 

older couples giving hugs

Whether you’re a woman who needs connection, or you’re a man who wants to understand, we’re about to translate what the heck “connection” even means to women. 

She wants to feel seen. 

She wants to feel like you fully see her, and understand what she’s saying. 

Are you getting the full picture that is the woman standing in front of you? 

She can feel that. 

Part of getting that picture is being connected. Just the same way that you want to feel seen and understood and valued in your life, so you can feel connected to your friends, work, or family. 

She wants to feel acknowledged. 

This one’s similar to number one, but with a major difference. 

Women go through a METRIC TON of effort into being, looking, and feeling our best for our partner. 

We wake up early in the morning so we can do our hair and makeup. We dress well, we wear jewelry. We go all out. We work out, we change our diet. We wear uncomfortable shoes. We go to extremes to look, smell, feel, and be as attractive as we possibly can.

We want you to acknowledge this! 

Just as you want to be acknowledged when you build a deck, or chop down a tree, or take the kids out for ice cream, or pick your mother-in-law up from the airport. 

Acknowledgement feels good for everyone. Sometimes it’s as simple as we just want to be acknowledged that we exist, and that we contribute, and that we are loved and appreciated.

She wants to feel your presence. 

She wants to feel that you, in your full masculinity, are right there with her, fully present. 

Not thinking about the game, not thinking about work, not thinking about the stock market, not thinking about what your buddies are thinking while you’re talking to your girlfriend, not thinking about the dinner you’re about to order.

None of that. 

She wants to know that you are present fully, here right now. 

And she can freaking tell when you’re not.

Look, this is going to be a tough pill for some men to swallow… 

But if your woman says to you, “I can just tell you’re not present with me.” And you’re like, “God, I’m so present. Why can’t she just tell that I’m so present? I’m not paying attention to anything else. I’m right here.” 

Pro tip: turn it up a notch. I swear to you. She can feel it. 

Sometimes I apologize to my husband because I’ll criticize his presence. I’ll say, “Hey, you’re still not present. I can tell. 

And sometimes it’s just that he’s not fully open. He’s listening, he’s aware, he’s giving me his attention, but he’s not fully open to what I’m saying.

If this happens to you, ask her what you can do to become more present with her. This question will blow her mind.

She wants to feel aligned with you. 

She wants to feel like you are both headed in the same direction, step in step, hand in hand. 

She wants to feel like you both have shared goals. This could mean you’re both aligned in your values and priorities. 

When you’re aligned, you’re on the same emotional wavelength. You’re on the same thought wavelength, maybe even the same spiritual wavelength. She wants to connect because she wants to make sure that you all are riding the same wave, that you’re headed in the same direction, that you have the same end goal, destination in mind. 

She wants to feel loved. 

And finally number five, what she may mean when she says she wants to connect with you, is she wants to feel loved.

It’s that simple. She wants to know that you love her, that you care about her, that you see her, and that she is a top priority in your heart. 

Yin and Yang: to be present is to connect with your divine masculinity. 

spontaneous couple

To be fully masculine means to be fully present — to be a strong, solid container for her. 

In this case, what it means to be feminine is to be the storm, or the emotional wave that’s slamming into the seawall. 

You’re the seawall, she’s the wave. 

We all have masculine and feminine within us. And so most of the time we’re doing this for ourselves, but if she needs to just dissolve, let it all go, feel completely vulnerable. Be her most feminine self, which by the way, women really do, especially for sex. Then she needs you to be in your divine masculine. 

Divine masculine is presence. It is the ability to stand and be present, and to be solid. And divine feminine is movement, wave. It is life force itself. And your ability to be strong and to contain, no matter what comes up for her is part of how she knows you’ve got her back.

I’m using a lot of gendered language here, but you could just as easily substitute those for yin and yang. 

These are two divine energies we all have within us. And men, if you want to be the most masculine partner that you can be, cultivating your divine presence is a huge part of that.

Why is connection so important for women? 

For many, many, many women, the emotional and energetic aspects of sex are what allow them to get into the physical act of intercourse. 

In other words, in order for her to open up her body to being explored, touched, and stimulated by you, she needs to feel that you are connected to her. 

Think about what sex is for a woman. It is inviting someone else’s body into her own. It is an incredibly vulnerable act. And many women, myself included, at least most of the time need to feel affirmed, acknowledged, loved, connected, safe, presence from a man before they are able to let him come into their bodies.

Connection is a prerequisite for women to be able to enjoy sex. 

The trick: approaching this with curiosity, instead of thinking you already know the answer. 

If you ask curiously, “what can I do to help you to feel more connected?” You’re going to determine whether or not it’s that she needs to feel acknowledged, or loved, or aligned or something else entirely!

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