The two WORST sexual experiences of my life had one very important thing in common, which was the poorly-timed use of biting during foreplay.
Don’t get me wrong – a good nibble is rarely a bad thing. Some teeth on the skin can feel really good in the right context. In fact, I get ENJOYMENT from being bit.
But…. not out of the blue, man!
One time a man was giving me a massage on our second date. Things were getting a little hot n’ heavy. All of a sudden, I feel his hands leave my body and the next thing I know, his TEETH are on my butt.
He bit my butt.
That guy was so close to getting laid, too. Such a shame.
In my OTHER worst sexual experience, I was in college, making out with this guy, and he bit my lip pretty hard. At first, I thought he was drunk and that he was having a hard time determining his own jaw strength or something. I just told him “Hey that didn’t feel good, please don’t do that again.” But LATER he bit my nipple. Really hard. A lot harder than I would have liked. I was like “Ow, that’s not cool, please stop!”
At this point, I still believed he could take feedback.
He then proceeded in going further down and BIT MY LABIA!
That was the last straw for me. I was like “Okay, we’re done, we’re TOTALLY DONE! You don’t take feedback, you’re not even hearing me. You’re nodding and saying you understand but obviously you don’t. We are all the way done.”
That shit was not cool, guys.
He wasn’t willing to talk to me about it, he didn’t show any
sort of empathy, he didn’t apologize, and he never truly owned it. It was not
I’m not sharing this to shame those guys.
I’m sharing this to let you know that if you can’t take feedback, don’t have sex! If you’re too drunk to listen to a woman when she says no, don’t have intercourse! Or else you risk sexually assaulting someone. For real.
Most Women Won’t Tell You If You’ve Messed Up.
The thing is, most women won’t tell you that you’re making major mistakes in the sack. I’m an exception to the rule. I’m a vocal and open person and I’ll tell someone if I don’t like what they’re doing. But for the most part, a lot of women are afraid of hurting your self-esteem, so they’ll suffer through it and not even mention it if a man makes them uncomfortable.
Why don’t women tell it straight to men?
Some men get violent, they “can’t hear” when they’ve done something wrong, they go into shame mode, they get intense, and sometimes it’s just easier to not even go there with a guy.
Instead, women will let you keep going until it’s over. And then they’ll never call you again.
I’m going to tell you how to never make those mistakes ever again, starting right now.
The Most Common Mistakes Men Make in Bed
Some of these are bound to surprise you. Maybe you’ve made a couple of these intimacy mistakes. If that’s you, I’m not here to make you feel bad about these mistakes, but to help you make the future better than the past. Because you deserve to have ALL the knowledge at your fingertips for a better sex life.
The 10 deadly sins that destroy a man’s sex life are:
Not talking to a woman about what she likes before hopping into bed.
It’s deceptively simple. Talking about what she likes and doesn’t like is the best way to avoid making dumb mistakes during foreplay and intercourse.
Example: “Hey, would it be okay with you if I nibbled your body? Do you like being bit in bed? Oh you do? How hard? On a scale on one to ten, with ten breaking skin and one being just a light nibble… okay so you like a four. Not too much pain, no bite marks, got it. Anywhere you don’t want me to bite?”
Now, you don’t have to get that specific, of course, UNLESS you want to be amazing in bed. At the VERY LEAST, ask, “Hey can I nibble your shoulder? Please feel free to tell me no if you don’t like it in the moment.”
Having a conversation about what both of you like is the key to having great sex.
I USED to think that once the chemistry got started, you couldn’t stop to talk about it because it would “ruin the moment”. But all that thinking is based on the premise that we don’t want to have sex and that talking about it will kill our arousal.
Guys… if you start talking about having sex and one of you discovers you actually DON’T want to have sex… GOOD! If you can’t even talk about sex, don’t have it.
Sex is something you have a conversation about.
You wouldn’t serve spicy food to someone who you had NO IDEA liked spicy food, right? Sex is no different. Treat it the same way as cooking for someone else. Know their sensitivities and limits, what they like and don’t like.
Not asking for feedback and thinking you know everything.
There’s so much pressure around being amazing at doling out sexual pleasure that we feel like we have to walk around acting like we know everything.
You don’t! No one does!
Even if you read every book about sexual satisfaction and watch every single pornography video, you’ll STILL have to ask your partner for feedback in bed. Does she like it fast or slow? Does she like a sex toy or vibrator on her clitoris? Just a millimeter of difference can make a WORLD of difference for her.
Feedback can make the difference between orgasms and just straight up pain.
Be willing to hear her feedback. Let her know “I want to know if what we’re doing is working for you, if you’re enjoying it, and if there are ways I can make it better. Please tell me.”
Hear the feedback, gracefully respond, and change what you’re doing. This is how we ALL get great at sex.
You don’t take breaks or allow for stillness.
We have this idea that once we get started we have to hammer and HAMMER into her vagina until we pass out.
Good sex includes breaks.
Savor the moment! Go get a glass of water. Change locations or positions. Change the music. Change the lights. Take breaks – breathe, gaze into each other’s eyes, cuddle, and THEN you can get back in the moment.
Sex is not a “hurry up and get through it” activity. It’s something that flows and has multiple peaks.
Don’t miss out on being present and allowing her body to respond to your body.
In fact, women respond REALLY WELL to stillness. It allows us to get in our bodies, to appreciate the moment, and to truly experience pleasure.
If you’re jackhammering away at us, we don’t have the opportunity to savor the moment.
You have crushing performance anxiety.
Performance anxiety crops up in a couple different ways and can destroy your sexual health. It could be premature ejaculation, it could be erectile dysfunction, it could be being stuck in your head and not being present in your body, and it could even be forgetting to even breathe.
If you are suffering from performance anxiety (especially premature ejaculation), I made a whole course for that, my Come When You Want Masterclass. This is your step by step guide on how to relax and how to get in your body so you can control when you ejaculate and pleasure her in a way that works for both of you.
The good news: performance anxiety is incredibly common and curable. Work on it with a sex coach or a therapist, you can use techniques that people use to manage generalized anxiety, and when in doubt, figure out what works for you to get out of your head and into your body.
For God’s sakes: breathe. Take slow, deep breaths. Practice doing some deep belly breaths right now.
Remembering to breathe is crucial to staying present, having the ability to last longer during penetration, and being able to read what’s going on in HER body so you don’t end up making this next mistake.
Doing Things without any apparent reason.
This goes back to the biting guys. Seduction and sex should follow a natural pattern, and a natural rhythm. Don’t jump forward or jump back. For example, if you’re massaging her back, it doesn’t make sense to bite her butt! There’s no consistency there.
Instead, flow from one thing to another, allowing each event to naturally follow from the prior.
This is when I remind you to not listen to sex coaches and magazines that just have “sexy tips and tricks” for you. Tips and tricks are great, but only in a context that makes sense.
Thankfully, you’re a sexual being. You don’t need tips and tricks. What you need is to stay present with your partner and make sure your actions have a natural cadence.
Going straight for the target.
Perhaps the number one complaint I hear from women about men is that men dive straight for the genitals. They’re making out, clothes come off, and all of a sudden, the man DIVES between her legs.
Target: locked. Proceed with full intensity!
Cut it out!
Start with the full body, guys. Don’t just zero in on the clit. You need to expand. There’s a whole body and a whole lot of nerve endings that can make her feel incredible.
Thinking that all women are the same.
If it worked with your last girlfriend, it’ll work with this one, right?
We’re all different! That’s why you gotta get feedback. You have to understand that some women like a hot towel after sex and others like to rub your cum all over themselves until it dries off. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. You have to ask questions beforehand so you know what works with this particular woman.
We have different bodies and different preferences.
Treating us like we’re all the same is the best way to hurt our feelings and have mediocre sex.
You don’t care about your own pleasure.
Look, we appreciate that you want us to orgasm and that you care about our pleasure. But when you’re SO focused on whether we’re having fun or whether we’re going to orgasm, it makes us wonder, “why aren’t you enjoying it?”
It puts a lot of pressure on us. It makes us wonder why you’re analyzing us, why you’re calculating and trying to get the optimal orgasm out of us.
Enjoy it for yourself too, guys! Seeing your pleasure is HOT. There’s nothing like hearing you moan and enjoy our bodies in bed.
You’re overly focused on your own pleasure and not focused at all on her pleasure.
There are plenty of guys out there who get in bed and only think about getting their own rocks off. They’re rushing off to their own orgasm and not even paying attention to what their woman wants.
You have to be able to focus on both your pleasure AND her pleasure.
No one likes a selfish lover. Get your ego outta here.
You’re overly focused on your penis
I know – this is a shocker. Why WOULDN’T you focus on your penis?
Listen. The more focused you are on your penis, the less focused you are on having great sex.
If you come too soon, if you lose your erection, if you think your penis is too small or too big or too circumcised or not circumcised enough, etc etc etc….
Your penis is part of sex. Not the whole thing. If you’re too focused on your penis, you’re taking away from the entire point of sex: to experience pleasure.
Let’s say you lose and
erection. Cool – you’ve got fingers and a mouth!
Let’s say you can’t get an erection. That’s fine, you’ll get one in the future!
But for right now, can you still have a pleasurable sexual experience?
We love your penis. But it’s not the only tool you need to be great in bed.
How To Be Amazing in Bed So She Comes Too
My new course on how to be an amazing lover is finally here! It’s called “She Comes Too” and it’s all about how to be an amazing lover, giving her multiple orgasms, understanding exactly how a woman’s body works, and knowing how to please them no matter what.
Please drop me a line to work with me one-on-one if you’re experiencing any upsetting issues in bed. I’ve spent years helping men with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction get their power back and proceed with confidence in bed. Because no matter what problems you’re currently having, it’s POSSIBLE to have an amazing sex life. I promise.