A while back, I was in a tent with my spouse in the middle of the desert and my libido was OFF THE CHARTS.
We’d been driving across country, staying in hotels with friends, and FINALLY our opportunity for lovemaking arrived. We set up the tent, inflated the air mattress, and I was looking forward to a night of sexual pleasure.
So we start having sex… and then we suddenly stop.
Well, I wouldn’t say WE stopped. HE stopped, got up, and put his pants back on. I was like “What the hell is happening? Come on, man! Come on, we’re here, we’re gonna have great sex, we’re in the middle of foreplay, we’re gonna have fun!”
And he very coolly, says, “No we’re not. We’re done. You don’t get to come.”
As you can imagine, I was shaken. I was a little irate. But at the same time, my brain was scrambled by the excitement, joy, and novelty, and the fact that all of a sudden he left the tent when I was still naked! I put my clothes on and followed him, and for the rest of the day I was a LEVEL 9 AROUSAL. I had rip roarin’ libido and sexual desire all day.
And by the time night rolled around – by the time we got back to our tent – I RIPPED his clothes off.
Take Your Sex Life Off Autopilot
What my partner did is an example of breaking the script of what it means to have intercourse.
We all live by sexual scripts. We all live our life by scripts in general. For example, the script you live every single day is to wake up, say good morning, get to work, say “how are ya!” to your coworkers, and your coworkers respond in kind, because it’s a script!
A script is a way of doing things because our culture taught us to do something in a specific order, or in a specific way. One of the major causes of sexual dysfunction (and one of the things that gets in the way of curing sexual problems) is when couples adhere tightly to their sexual scripts.
This causes couples to have no flexibility to create the sexual relationship they need to achieve better sex. Today I’m going to teach you how to break down those scripts that cause sexual problems.
Bust ‘em up, kick ‘em goodbye, and get ‘em gone, because they’re not helping anyone. You don’t need them anymore, in fact they’re just getting in the way of your sexual health and relationship. Once you get rid of these sexual scripts, not only will you be better able to control your premature ejaculation and other sexual problems, but you’re going to be more likely to give your partner to sexual satisfaction every time.You want that. I know you do.
If you feel like your sex life is in a rut, I want you to come talk to me. No one deserves to feel anxious or unworthy when it comes to sex, and I’ve helped hundreds of men just like you — who are suffering from Premature Ejaculation, Erectile Dysfunction, and more, to get them on track for their best sex life.
Arousal Follows A Specific Biological Order
Let’s first get one truth out of the way: sex is different than arousal.
Female bodies need to be able to get aroused before penetration. This remains true no matter what. Everything else: our attitudes about our sex lives — our desires, how we approach intimacy — is flexible, malleable, changeable.
I want to clarify something: there’s no substitute for arousal. You can’t just jump into sex. Women need to be aroused for everything else to work, especially to be penetrated without doing damage to the insides of their vagina.
With that out of the way, how do we get over this sexual script nonsense? How did we get into it to begin with?
What causes the Sexual Script?
Many of us get caught up in the sexual scripts shown to us through porn, movies, television, and even friends. We’re all given an order to follow. It starts with making out, moves along to heavy petting and some over-the-shirt action, and then under the shirt action, and then manual stimulation (aka fingering and hand jobs), then oral sex, and then vaginal penetration, and if you’re in the mood, perhaps anal! THEN, orgasm and ejaculation, and then cuddling.
Especially if you have premature ejaculation, following the script is going to mess up your ability to take charge and get what you need in order to last longer in bed.
For example, some of you have heard of the start/stop method. I don’t like it because it’s outdated, but it can be useful for illustrating this point. In the start/stop method, you have sex for a while, and then when you start to reach climax, you stop having sex. The problem with this method is that awkward! You’re having sex and then you’re suddenly NOT having sex. And then you are, and then you’re not. And it just goes on and on!
Meanwhile, she’s trying to reach orgasm but you’re not keeping the kind of pressure and consistent rhythm she needs in order to reach orgasm because you’re starting and stopping all the time. Imagine a world in which you noticed you were close to reaching ejaculation, and instead of feeling like you had to awkwardly stop, you suddenly went back to giving her oral sex.
This might not seem mind-blowing to you, but it’s COMPLETELY revolutionary. This defies everything we’ve been taught in porn, in TV, and in the sex scenes we’ve seen in movies.
Maybe you don’t even circle back to sexual activity, but instead go grab a glass of water. You’ll leave her all hot and heavy with a huge sex drive, ready to go for when you get back.
Listen – that does not mess up her sexual interest, anticipation or her ability to reach orgasm. In fact, it INCREASES IT! Women need novelty in order to get off. By doing something totally novel, like stopping sex to do a new thing like grab a sex toy, you are scrambling those circuits that need to be scrambled in order to make it easier for her to reach orgasm. Not only that, but you can buy yourself time. You can take some time to cool off, to do some of the relaxing breathing techniques that I teach you.
Feeling like you have to follow a script can crush your confidence, can lead you to believe that you’re not doing it right or that there’s something wrong with your love life. What makes it worse is that these scripts we’re following aren’t realistic.
Go back and watch movies from the nineties. Everyone left their bra on and yet somehow everyone always had simultaneous orgasms. If that’s the fantasy you’re comparing yourself against, you’re never going to live up to it. No one is! Great sex does not look like that, especially not 100% of the time. It’s hogwash.
So How do you Overcome the Sexual Script and the Intimacy Killer That it is?
Write down your script.
Seeing the script for yourself helps you to see that your sexual encounters really do follow a script. You’ll say “that’s exactly what my long term relationship have been doing for the last 15 years!” Get clear on what it is so you can achieve a healthy sex life.
Write between the lines, cut each part of the script into pieces of paper and scramble them around, and think about all the different ways you can change this script. Go back and forth from manual/oral/vaginal, to maybe oral/vaginal/manual/making out, etc. Change up the order during your next date night. ;)
Introduce completely novel things into that order.
Dirty talk? Lingerie? Grabbing a vibrator?
It could simply be that you’re going to interrupt sex by getting a glass of water (yes, even with a raging erection), going to the bathroom, or going to the kitchen to grab food to sexually feed to her. Grab some coconut oil and do a massage! (That’s literally my favorite – stopping sex to get a massage and then going back to sex again. See how fun this is? It’s like a REMIX!) You are not confined.
You have the freedom to break the mold and have sex however you want, in the way that serves you best, that gets your partner off, and helps you last longer in bed.This is your world. This is your sex life. You are the only person capable and responsible for making it awesome. So if you’re living by someone else’s script and not even doing a good job at it and beating yourself up for not living up to some arbitrary standard, then guess whose sex life is never going to be as awesome as it can possibly be?
Sex is Your Canvas! Get Creative!
I want you to have the best sex life ever, and I’m here to help you get there. If you’re struggling with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or just feel in a rut, don’t hesitate to drop me a line. Click here to apply to work with me, because you and your relationships deserve a sizzlin’ hot sex life.
If you’re looking for ways to become more confident in the sack, Come When You Want is my step-by-step guide to lasting longer in bed, experiencing ejaculatory control, and developing unshakable confidence. It delivers many of the same tools I use in one on one coaching but in a video format you can access from your phone or computer. Check it out!