A friend recently asked me, “If you had one superpower, what would it be?”
After thinking about it for a second, I said, “Snapping my fingers and removing sexual shame and fear so people can have uber-pleasurable sex lives!”
My friend’s response?
“Oh… so you would cure all the incels of the world!”
I thought that was really interesting. What a fascinating take on that!
Because yes – incels carry around some of the most shame and resentment when it comes to sex. When it comes to sexuality, incels struggle with a lot of darkness.
If you’re an incel, I want to share a path forward on how to not be one anymore. I truly believe that anyone who is involuntarily celibate or carrying around anger and shame when it comes to sex can overcome these challenges and become a SEX GOD!
So if you wanna get laid, welcome to the first step.
I’m sex and relationship coach Caitlin V, and I specialize in working with men who want to improve their sex lives.
What Is an Incel?
The word “incel” has huge connotation behind it. Many of us associate the word with a man who hates women, but the term didn’t originate as such. In fact, the first person to call themselves an incel was a WOMAN who started a website to discuss her involuntary celibacy.
Meaning, this woman was not was not dealing with sexlessness by choice. If she could, she would have chosen to get in on.
Her website became a support group and forum for people who identified as involuntary celibates.
It wasn’t until recently that the term “incel” started being associated with violence. A couple men who targeted women for mass murder identified as incels, and the term skyrocketed into mass consciousness as a term that meant “violence against women.”
There have also been some online kerfuffles involving the incel community. A subreddit on Reddit.com was shut down after it was said to promote misogyny. They even went so far as to support sexual assault and rape as a way of accessing sexual interaction.
Do All Incels Hate Women? Or Is There Something Deeper Going On?
I am of the belief that most people who identify as incels don’t really hate women. Many of them have been led down a path that blames women for the lack of sex in their life.
I believe that we can’t hate anyone unless we hate a part of ourselves.
If you’re an incel, maybe you hate the part of you that wants to have sex. Maybe you hate the part of you that needs sex. Maybe you resent the fact that sex has any power over you at all. Maybe you hate the part of you that doesn’t know how to have sex. There’s a part of you that fears rejection and failure – the part of you that wants sex to be easy.
Maybe there’s a part of you that even hates the men that have told you over and over and over again that in order to have STATUS as a man, you must have a lot of sex, with the right kind of woman.
What Causes Men to Become Incels?
Women are not the problem.
Your physical appearance is not the problem.
A society that treats men like they’re only worth the number of women they’ve slept with is a problem.
A society that treats women like they’re sex objects for men’s status is a problem.
A society that tells men AND women that sex is wrong, dirty, shameful, that pleasure is unnatural, and that we should feel bad for wanting sex is a problem.
A society that tells us that if we HAVE sex, we shouldn’t talk about it, is a problem.
A society that has a TON of opinions about sex but no sex positivity … is the problem.
That is a problem we’re not going to solve in this blog post, but there are some problems we can solve.
First, a Truth: No One Is Entitled to Sex.
All human beings and animals and many creatures on this planet produce offspring sexually. We have a biological drive to have sex, because that’s how we pass our DNA from one generation to the next. And all we really are is a bundle of DNA, right?
No one is entitled to have intercourse with other people. Just as you are not entitled to drive. There’s no “right” to drive a car. Driving a car is a privilege. Having sex with other people is a privilege. Just because our bodies want or need sex doesn’t mean that having intercourse with other humans is a right we are entitled to.
You do not have a
right to intercourse with any particular woman.
But here’s the delicious news: you DO have the right to have sex with yourself (masturbation)! You also have the right to SEEK sex, to ask for it.
No matter who you are, having sexual intercourse is a privilege. It requires other people to be on board. (Unless you’re having solo sex, which is a totally valid form of sex.)
Why aren’t you entitled to sex?
We are not entitled to do anything that violates the will or is against the autonomy of another person’s body. Just as it’s not okay to steal food from somebody else, it’s not okay to steal sex from somebody else.
That said, everyone and anyone can have sex, and there’s a path for you to achieve sex!
I’m going to lay it out to you RIGHT NOW.
Caitlin V’s Guide to No Longer Being Involuntarily Celibate
Step One: Quit identifying as an incel!
This is like identifying as a loser. Or as a sick person. If you identify that way, you’re going to be that way. If you identify strongly with “I am an incel. I am involuntarily celibate.”
Every time you say it, think it, or type it, you are underlining it, highlighting it, underscoring it, and scratching it into your brain.
You are not an incel anymore than you are a giraffe. But you identifying as it will cement that in your brain as who you are.
If I identify as a sick person instead of a person who is trying to get healthy, I guarantee you, I’m going to stay sick.
If I identify as a loser and I introduce myself as a loser, and I expect other people to treat me like a loser, then I am a loser.
You get to keep all of the shitty identities that you want to have. And you EXTRA get to keep them if you go to bat for them.
So if you want to defend your right to be an incel, congratulations! You get to keep being involuntarily celibate! But if you’re ready to be a sexual person who is having sexual intercourse, you need to start identifying as someone who has sexual intercourse.
You don’t even have to start having sex.
First, you identify as someone who gets it ON, and then you become it.
For example, if you want to start running, it’s helpful to identify as someone who exercises and who cares about staying fit. If you identify as a lazy slob who doesn’t run and then you expect yourself to hit the treadmill, your brain is going to be like “Um… nope… why are we doing this? I don’t identify with this activity. Let’s go smash cheese puffs and watch Always Sunny.” But if you identify as someone who runs, it’s easy to get on the treadmill, because breaking a sweat is part of your identity.
If you identify as someone who has sex, it makes sense for you to do the things required in order to have sex. If you identify as celibate, you’re going to stay celibate.
Take responsibility for your sex life.
Snatch responsibility out of the air and OWN IT! You are responsible for your sex life. If you blame other people… if you blame women… even if you blame the men who bullied you into thinking you couldn’t get laid… if you blame other people, nothing changes.
Feel free to blame other people all you want if you’re cool with never changing. But if you want to change, you have to take ownership and responsibility for the way your sex life is right now and take responsibility of the sex life you’re about to create for yourself.
It’s on you and only you. And thank GOODNESS! This is GOOD NEWS! This means you need not wait another minute! You don’t have to wait until a woman comes along and bestows sex upon you.
Choose to do it right now… ready? CLICK! BOOM! WOW GOOD JOB THERE YOU GO!
Doesn’t that feel good? Now it’s in your hands.
Now that you have stopped identifying as an incel and started taking responsibility for your sex life, the real fun begins.
Become someone women want to have sex with.
I can almost feel your fingers about to move across the keys in the comment section, “Yeah but Caitlin, you’re always telling men what to do and never telling women what to do, and women aren’t perfect!”
This is an advice blog for men, and this article is for men. I never said that women are perfect, and we’re not talking about women right now.
If you want to have sex, you need to become someone women want to have sex with.
Women don’t care how much money you make or the kind of car you drive.
In order for women to want to have sex with you, you have to care enough about yourself to treat yourself like someone who is worthy of getting laid.
For example: basic hygiene. Do you shower? Do you shave? Do you groom yourself? Do you get your hair done? Every few weeks you should be going in to get your hair trimmed and styled. Have someone else take care of these things for you – you don’t have to be an expert at these things.
This lets women know that you have your shit together.
Be interesting and interested. Have hobbies! Read books! Know things that fascinate other people.
Learn the skills of charisma, charm, flirtation, seduction, and sex. If you are not willing to learn how to have sex, why would anyone want to have sex with you?
If you’re not willing to learn how to cook, don’t invite people over for dinner.
Ask yourself, “Why would someone want to have sex with me?” and answer the question. Maybe it’s because you care about yourself. Maybe you take good care of yourself. Maybe you have interesting hobbies and are curious about how to be a great lover.
Now that you’re someone who women want to have sex with, it’s time to put yourself out there and let women know that you’re available for sex.
Put yourself out there.
If you’re wondering why you never get laid but you never leave your house, it’s not going to happen! You have to let people know that you’re interested and available.
There are a bunch of different ways you can do this. Try some online meet up groups. Join some co-ed sports teams, join a club, or if you’re up to it, try the bar or nightclub scene.
Online dating and dating apps are also a great way for shy guys to put themselves out there. Online dating makes it way easier to hook up with people who are interested in you. Dating is a number’s game, and rejection is a part of it, but it’s still a great way to put yourself out there and meet some great ladies.
The point is: in order for people to know you’re available, you have to tell them!
Be willing to fail.
A huge part of dating for every single person out there: getting rejected. Hearing the word “no”. Falling flat on your face.
These are natural consequences of dating. Just like when you apply for jobs – you might get rejected. You’re not the perfect fit for every job, just as you are not the perfect fit for every woman. It would be statistically impossible!
It’s a good thing. You don’t want to have sex with every single person. You only want to have sex with the people who REALLY, PASSIONATELY want to have sex with you! (Basics of good sex 101)
In order to find that person, you have to sift through, swipe through, and talk to a lot of women who are going to walk away from you.
The only way to succeed is to fail. Nothing awesome ever happened without risking failure.
And if you’re sitting here saying
“Caitlin, it’s impossible! I’m only attracted to women who are super smokin’
hot and who are 10s! I’m only a 5!”
Dude, that’s not the truth, it’s only a belief you have to keep yourself safe from actually meting women. You don’t actually only want to date 10s. That’s not your true self. It’s something you’ve built up in order to not get rejected.
This belief keeps you safe from having to approach real women, because most women aren’t 10s. Stop putting people on stupid scales to begin with! Numbers are meaningless here.
Perfection is a lie. Perfection is boring. Perfection is a way to prevent us from being hurt.
Fucking LOVE YOURSELF!
I mean this literally and figuratively. I mean: LITERALLY MAKE LOVE TO YOURSELF. Self-pleasure! Masturbate! Masturbate like you fucking MEAN IT!
Masturbate like you are worth something as a human being.
Masturbate as if you were making love… TO YOURSELF! Masturbate the way you would want a lover to make love to you!
Treat yourself like a SEX GOD!
Turn off the porn, turn on the lights, look at yourself in the mirror even, take your time with it! Treat yo’ man like he’s your MAN! Give yourself lube, toys, time. Learn how to edge. Give yourself huge orgasms. Give yourself the best time you’ve ever had.
Because it will take the edge off of all that sexual build up. Your sexual energy needs to be RELEASED! It will also make you feel less desperate.
Also, stop expecting people who have sex with you when you’re not even willing to have sex with yourself!
I don’t mean to just jack off. Anyone can jerk off. That’s boring. Make love to yourself. Be good to yourself. And then when a woman comes along, she’ll be able to sense that – that you are someone who makes love, and that you’re someone who is deserving of love.
A Mind-Blowing Sex Life is Within Reach
Whether you’ve had a hundred partners or zero, whether you feel comfortable around women or not, you CAN have an incredible sex life with incredible women. If you’re struggling with anything – sexual shame, involuntary celibacy, performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction – anything, I am here for you. I’ve helped hundreds of men overcome challenges and achieve a fulfilling sex life. Click here to apply to work with me today!