I knew the line “Not tonight honey” before I knew what sex even WAS. It’s no joke in our society: the idea that long-term relationships are devoid of good sex.
You’re probably familiar with our cultural story: there’s a couple. Husband and wife, married 20 years, they’ve got a couple kids, maybe those kids are young or they’re grown. But it’s night time, and the husband rolls over and taps on his wife and puts his hands between her legs. She shuts him down, tells him “No, go away, I’m not interested” He rolls over, dejected. She goes to sleep. No one’s happy, but everyone stays together because well, they love each other! They’re a great couple!
But no one is getting the sexual activity they want. Not him, and not her.
And beyond that, neither of them know HOW to get the sexual satisfaction they want. The key to great sex in all relationships is the art of initiation. And I, sex and relationship coach Caitlin V, am here to tell you exactly how to initiate sex in a long-term relationship so you can have more physical intimacy with your spouse.
There is a Right Way to Initiate Sex and Boost her Level of Desire.
I have experienced the pain of a sexual partner’s lack of interest. I didn’t know for the longest time that I was trying to achieve intimacy in all the wrong ways.
I would wait until the exact wrong moment when my partner was stressed over work or whatever, and then I would hint intercourse in a half-hearted, sort of jokey, I don’t want to get rejected so I’m not gonna put it all the way out there but also like PLEASE have sex with me?
This miscommunication would turn him off and even make him want to DEFINITELY NOT have sex with me. It was not exactly conducive to sexual desire.
Chances are, you know what it feels like to hear “no” and then wonder, “Is there something wrong with me? Do I suck at giving her sexual arousal? Does my partner not want me at all?” Our sex lives are our most vulnerable offering. It’s our body, and it doesn’t get much more vulnerable than that. When our partner rejects us, it can feel like they’re rejecting the most vulnerable part of us that we don’t show anybody, that’s most sensitive to criticism.
If you and your partner keep having recurring issues with mismatched sex drives, libido, foreplay, or sexual frequency, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. We can do something about it and improve your sex life – but not unless you act.
What You Need to Know About How Her Brain Works When it Comes to Sexual Desire
Men and women operate differently.
What?! Who KNEW?!
Men are more likely to have spontaneous desire, which means the desire for sex just *pop!* happens spontaneously. It could be that they saw a sexy person, or that they’re watching TV and all of a sudden BOOM! Sex enters their mind and they’re like “Yeah! I like sex! Let’s have some sex!”
Women, on the other hand, tend to have responsive desire. This means that desire doesn’t pop up randomly in women’s brains. We don’t suddenly think, “Oh man, I want to have sex!” Desire and arousal doesn’t just HAPPEN for us. Women have to get in the mood to FEEL desire.
In women, arousal precedes desire. She might say YES to sex with you, go through the motions, have you go down on her to warm her up, making out, etc, and THEN the desire for vaginal sex comes around.
For women, arousal comes before the desire to have intercourse!
Please do NOT take it personally that your lady doesn’t initiate sex quite as often. The truth is, most women don’t have the same sort of sexual desire that men have.
It’s not like she’s thinking about sex all the time and just not initiating with you. She does not operate the same way as you. That’s not how this works. She’s not just a less-hairy version of you, okay? Her brain is different.
Take this as good news! Your partner’s sex drive has VERY LITTLE to do with you. What I DON’T want you to do: take resentment and pain into the bedroom. The bedroom is no place for pain.
Side note: I’m painting with a broad brush, here. Not ALL men experience spontaneous desire, and not ALL women experience responsive desire. Most people experience a mix of both. For example, I am a woman who experiences quite a bit of spontaneous desire. And you might be a man who experiences responsive desire. We’re all different, and that’s okay.
How are you currently initiating sex?
Take notice of how you’re currently initiating sex. Are you doing what I did and non-committedly joke around? Do you just dive right between her legs?
Consider if this is really HOW you want to be initiating or is this how you’ve come to initiate after a long time of patterned behavior?
Ask Your Partner How She Wants to Be Approached.
How would she LIKE you to initiate sex? Often, women are not as aroused when you go straight for the vaginal sex. You might need to initiate by giving her full body touches or full body massage (yes, please), or even having a make out session.
Remove Her Turn-Offs.
Maybe it’s not so much that she needs to be TURNED ON as much as she needs you to remove the things that are turning her off. Maybe the room is a huge mess, the dishes are dirty, the kids are in the next room. All of these things can be huge turn offs and cause her to pump her sexual brake.
In fact, you might be initiating perfectly but the conditions for her sexual needs aren’t good and she’s not able to relax and allow a sexual interaction to happen.
Ask her what situations give her the most sexual pleasure.
Does she get horniest after a shower because she feels really clean? Does she feel horniest after you’ve gone out for drinks with friends because she needs a glass of wine in order to relax enough to achieve orgasm? Does she get the most aroused after seeing you do something you’re awesome at? Does she feel like gettin’ it on after coming home from the gym because she feels IN her body and not in her brain?
Learning what triggers her desire– and knowing what turns her off – can help you plan the best ways and the best times to approach her.
For example, you might know that when she gets back from the gym is NOT the right time to initiate sex, but after she gets out of the shower IS. So when she’s in the shower, you could be cleaning the room, washing the dishes, putting the kids to bed, and then when she’s out of the shower, you’re both ready to leap into bed and have great sex.
Openness, Communication, and Honesty = Boost Frequency of Sex and Closeness
This takes openness and honesty. This sounds easy, but it’s really hard! Even just saying “I know you like morning sex, but I really don’t get into it” can sound like you’re rejecting your partner, and sometimes it can feel scarier than not saying anything at all. But this is the only way to figure out what works best for both of you, so you can BOTH have the sex you want.
Talk to her about the reasons you want to have sex more. Talk to her about your fears around initiating. Tell her that you feel rejected when she says no. Ask her why she’s not more open to having sex with you, and then be prepared to receive the answer without judgment or shame or attacking.
If you’re able to do this, this could be the best conversation you ever have. This could be the secret to having a long and successful sex life.
Even if you still have to go speak to a professional, it’s worth it. The win-win is that you both get to have more sex and satisfaction in the end.
BONUS TIP: Don’t initiate sex. Initiate pleasure.
Initiating sex can be difficult and awkward. What would happen if the next time you wanted sex, you didn’t initiate sex at all, but you initiated massages?
And then if massages don’t result in sex, that’s fine because you both got pleasure, relaxation, and bonding out of it.
What if the next time you wanted sex, you initiated a big heavy make out session and some dry humping? Or a hot shower for both of you? A date night? A sensual dinner?
Whatever turns you both on and brings you both pleasure! Initiate pleasure, and if sex happens, then great!
More pleasure leads to more sex. Even if not that night or week, be open to the possibility and go from there. This approach also takes the pressure off! If she rejects you when you’re just trying to give a massage, than hey, you can roll with that.
More Pleasure in the Bedroom Takes Dedication. Sex Coaching Can Help.
If you’re reading this, it means you’re dedicated to pleasure. You’re dedicated to your own pleasure, and to the pleasure of your partner. But sometimes achieving regular, mind-blowing sex can be difficult. When life gets in the way, sex can suffer, and when sex suffers, so does everything else.
If you and your partner are having any issues at all, I want you to come talk to me. Whether you’re experiencing mismatched sex drives, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or the feeling that you’re not sure how to pleasure your woman, sex coaching can help. Click here to apply to work with me today!
Does your woman want to have sex with you, but you can’t seem to deliver mind-blowing pleasure? Check out my online Masterclass, She Comes Too. This is your exact, step-by-step guide to providing mind-blowing orgasms and giving her the pleasure she longs for.